Words for Alex | English |

What I'm about to say It's really important to me, because it represents a little (or maybe a lot) of my toughts about my own life, and how it has been changing lately. 

I'm studying in one of the best universities of my country, I'm studying one of the hardest careers you can imagine. And no, it has not numbers on it as you must think when I say "a hard career", just because we are used to think that numbers are a synonym of intelligence and difficulty. But let me tell you something, Social sciences are also difficult, they help us trying to understand how complex humanity can be. Sometimes it’s a nightmare, I’m not gonna lie, and a political career like mine becomes an incredible challenge because of this. 

But this is not my point with this words, I'm here to talk about something I had to do and that made me break in tears the whole afternoon of a cloudly day of March. 

For one of my classes, the final exam was saying a speech. Everyone on that class had practiced a lot for a really long time, at first sight, it sounds easy but let me tell you it's not as easy as it sounds. 

When you're shy and you're not used to be heard, when your voice has always been ignored for all your life, when you're never taken seriously, or you are just scared of speaking in public, it becomes a nightmare, a big challenge you have to overcome or a big demon you have to beat. 

For that reason, I decided that I had to choose a speech that could mean something to me, something that made me feel powerful and confident by saying it. So I started thinking about the topic and some ideas came into my mind. The posibilities were endless, a politic speech, a feminist speech, a pride speech, and tons of categories but I couldn't find anything that totally fill in my spirit and my soul. Then, I remembered what music actually means to me and that it has always been the most important thing in my life.

So I choose a speech from my so long soldier and all time hero, Alex Gaskarth, the american pop.punk band All Time Low's lead singer.

In a gig during 2011, just  before a song called Therapy, Alex said one of the most beautiful words I've heard as he usually did before singing one of the most beautiful songs on earth and that I relate to. Since I heard it for the first time, the "therapy  speech" became one of the most important things for me along with the song. 

I've tell so many times my story, maybe not to a lot of people, maybe not out loud, and mostly to myself or my pillow, but I never had the hearth to tell it like this, never like this, never like I did that day, never in front of other people, never for others but me, and never feeling it as mine as I did that day. 

For almost two monts and a half, I spend my whole days focusing in listening, coping, translating and learning Alex's words, trying my best to give life to that perfect speech. I tried to represent through it everything I was and everything I've become. 

But I failed. I standed up in front of the audience, wearing a fancy black dress, having my hair all done and straight, leaving my caracteristic curls away, with tall shoes and make up in my face, even my arms, always full of bracelets, were totally empty to give a serious aspect, when I was about to start, I freezzed in front of the judges and my classmates, the caracteristic fear came into my mind and I forgot everything. But I didn't give up, and I stared again after asking the judges for another chance, I started stronger, with more faith than I did before, feeling it and making people feel Alex's words, 

But I failed. 

I spend the whole afternoon crying because the grade was the worst grade I've ever had in my life. I'm not used to cry in public, so I run to my home (mentioning I cried the whole trip in public transportation from my University to my home) I cried because I felt so dissapointed, I didn't care for the grade after all but I cried over the time preparing that, in that moment, I consider lost time, I cried over my life and all the faith I lost after that. 

I felt I dissapointed not just Alex, not just All Time Low, not just me or not just my parents, not just my sister or my friends, I felt I dissapointed tons of Hustlers around the world, tons of teenagers that are shy, that feel lost but  do their best to be okay but, for certain reasons, they can't. 

So I cried my heart out, I cried like I haven't cried in ages. 

In the moment of the speech, I broke, my heart fell into pieces and so did my spirit, I feel like a part of me was dead that day, I cried because I let anxiety won, I let all the insecurities win the battle, all the bad toughts, the fears, the nightmares, what I was afraid of, everything won, the weight of the world on my shoulders was something I haven't feel before that day and I know that during that moment, even my demons won. 

But you learn something after crying and breaking, after felling how your life leaves your body for a while and then comes back. You learn a lesson that cleans your soul, it really does, when you drown, you have to rise once again, and stronger. 

I feel I did my best saying the speech, despite the mistake, I did it better than planned and now I don't give two fucks about what a judge could even think of me. I won a little bit of self confidence and faith in me that day, after drowning. That was just the begining and I won’t give up.   

And I have to thank Alex Gaskarth for teaching me that big learning. 

After all, life makes sense if you believe in yourself. 

The speech starts with a sentence I'll never forget. It goes like this "This goes out to anybody who has ever been put down or called crazy, to anybody who’s ever felt like people have a free pass to walk all over them" So, as I'm one of them, I can say I've learned, I've grow, and I'm proud of what I did.

What is the sense on all of this?, you could been asking, why are you writing this? 

Well, this is a thank you to life, for teaching me how to fail, a thank you to the judge that evaluated me that day, for making me unbreakable, a thank you so much to every single person who has ever made me feel bad, for making me believe in myself, a thank you to depression, for making me figure out that sometimes help is important, a thank you for every single think that has break me down, for hurting me and making me stronger. 

And finally, it's a thank you to All Time Low and every single band that has ever helped me, a thank you to All Time Low for saving my life back then and thank you to Alex Gaskarth for being my hero and inspiration. 

Alex. I hope I made you proud after all.

- Lemonade